its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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