he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
