I swear she didn't look like that last week.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
