My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
