i think my mom watched the whole time
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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