mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i need an iv and a liver transplant
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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