I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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