took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
