woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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