Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
