he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
