alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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