I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Enjoy the penises
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
