Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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