he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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