i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
