New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
