TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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