Cold hands, warm shart.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
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I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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