that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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