just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
