totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize