i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Floor bacon is actually really good
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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