this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
