Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
