last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
