There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
