I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
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