and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
