Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
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Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
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SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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