Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I think a kid would responsible me up
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
