maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
