you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Randomize
