this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
