Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
