i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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