I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
