Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
