I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
