Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just invented taco cereal.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
