Your favorite bartender is back from prision
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
