what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
