i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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