I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
you never un-have a 4some
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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