make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
