I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
