When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
porn star boner night. come get it.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
