one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
