They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
is that a dick in a sweater?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
