At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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