Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
