She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
