Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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