i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
