Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
