I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
